I've been reading a lot in the book of Luke lately and there is a phrase that I just feel I connect with. Mary, Jesus' mama, treasured things up in her heart and pondered them. I do that. It's why I haven't written in so long. Life has been happening and I keep treasuring and pondering.
But tonight I sit at my computer after what feels like a long couple of days of mothering and I could just weep. Not sad weep. But not necessarily happy weep, either. Just weep. Maybe it's too much treasured in my heart getting it all out weeping. None the less. I could weep.
There are lots of things going on right now and I don't want to get into all of them. Some are incredible answers to prayer and just downright, knock your socks off, I don't deserve blessings from a very loving, Almighty God and other things are a little bit tougher. And a couple things are really tough.
Sully is getting his two front teeth. It's been going on since Sunday. Poor little guy has swollen gums and he had a high fever, then a low fever and now no fever but is totally miserable. So, tonight, as I was tired of the endless cycle of what feels like: make breakfast, clean up, change diaper, prepare lunch, clean up lunch, change diaper, change diaper, change diaper, cook dinner, clean up dinner, Sully was done. He was just done. He didn't want me. He didn't want Ryan. He didn't want to be in his walker. It was time for a bath (which normally he loves) and he didn't really want that either. In fact, he kept trying to stand up in the tub, it was like he was doing everything in his power to get out of the tub. It didn't matter where he was or who he was with he was just not happy.
I got him dried off and ready for bed and I started our night time routine of snuggling. He just kept pushing me away. The tired, exhausted, overwhelmed mama wanted to just put him in his crib and be done. The tenderhearted mama that cherishes that time wanted to hold him so close that he would just melt and give in to the snuggle.
I went with the tenderhearted mama approach and eventually he calmed and then thirty seconds into his crib he was asleep. I came downstairs and sat here at my computer. I realized I was miserable today, too. I realized I've been miserable for a few days now. Tired. Overwhelmed. Emotionally tired. Sully stiff arms me when I'm holding him and he doesn't want to be held. I do the same thing to God. I did it today. And in the quiet of tonight, as I sat here, alone, I knew I was guilty of that today. I just wanted to be left alone and I was done. I don't want to be loved on or encouraged or reminded that the God of the universe loves me with an everlasting love. I just want to fight. I want to push. I want to kick and cry.
Thankfully, I don't think God ever has to wrestle with, "What approach should I take with my children?" Yes, he speaks hard truths. Yes, there are consequences to our sin. But He always, always, forever and always goes the way of love. It's truth spoken in love. It's discipline because He loves. It's consequences so we remember HE is better than whatever shiny thing we went and ran after... again.
So, His tender voice of love tonight, that spoke truth to my heart, brought me running back to the One who gives rest to the weary and whose yoke is easy and whose burden is light. Yes, I am tired. But in Him I have rest for my weary soul. In Him, I have life abundantly. I am overwhelmed but in Him I can lay my burdens down and pick up peace. Yes, I am emotionally drained but He is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
I don't know what things you are pondering in your heart. I don't know if you can relate to my tired with life feeling today or not. Regardless, wherever you are, whatever you're treasuring in your heart or whatever you are walking through, crawling through, or trudging through, in Christ is love, peace and life that brims over the top of cup. If you need to lay down some burdens tonight, I'm right there with you.
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.