There are currently five days until my estimated due date. I can't believe that I've been pregnant for 39 weeks and yet at the same time it is weird to think that at some point I wasn't pregnant. It's just such an everyday normal thing now- the giant belly that protrudes beyond what I actually think so I bump into people, chairs, walls, the dog, etc; the waddling (I can't remember what it's like to walk and not waddle), the 3 pee breaks per night (what is it like to have a normal, adult size bladder??), oh, and what do my ankles really look like when they aren't swollen? I don't remember. I have some vague memory of actually being able to see an ankle bone. I'm pretty sure I didn't grow up with cankles, but for the past three months it's all I've known.
Considering the heat of this summer and that I'm so close to my due date I feel pretty great. And for that I am incredibly grateful. I'm ready for this little guy to come, but most of that comes because I just want to meet him. To see his face, to hold his little body and ooo and awww over him. He is a gift. I may need to remember that through the toddler years, but it's a truth that is very clear right now.
During the past week God has made something so clear to me I just have to share it. It's this- I am not in control. Shocker, right? No, but really... I am not in control. Guess what? You aren't either. It's really one of the biggest lies we can believe. People strive their entire lives to be in control. I've done it. Guilty as charged. But with being pregnant it's never been more clear that that is not the case.
I woke up the other morning and thought through what my day was most likely going to look like. I'd get up, get ready for work, get to work, check off A, B and C off my to do list, go to lunch, work on organizing some things on my desk, shut down my computer, leave for the day, go home, make dinner, eat with Ryan, water the flowers, do the dishes, crash on my bed and sleep for three hours before the first bathroom break of the night. Just a usual Monday. And then I thought, I could go into labor today. Literally, everything could change... today. I heard God's gentle voice telling me that I am not in control.
Do you know the beautiful part of that? It was comforting! It was freeing. It was peace filled. So, each day since then I've woken up being completely aware that I have no idea what the day holds. I could go into labor. I could deliver a baby. My water could break in the kitchen at work. I could eat spicy Mighty Taco and bounce on an exercise ball until the cows come home and still have five days before I deliver (or 10- oh boy). But it's ok. Because lack of me being in control doesn't mean chaos. It doesn't mean that my life is spinning out of control and I'm going to fall apart. It means trusting in Christ and taking each day as it comes. If the baby doesn't come, I thank the Lord for whatever happened that day- whatever gifts it held. And if this little one decides to come, I will thank Him for that. It's "Lord willing" living. Example: "Lord willing, I'll get to go to the store today." Or, "Lord willing, I'll deliver this baby by Sunday." It's not about my will, my plans, my five year plan. It's about God's. All about Him. It puts Him on the throne and me surrendered before Him. A humble, but beautiful, shouldn't be any other way, place to be.
It brings a smile to my face to think that God already knows my son's birthdate. God is God. He's in control. He's way better at being in control than I am so I am going to choose to trust Him. He is worth it. May you have a Lord willing kind of day and choose to trust Him.