Saturday, August 17, 2013

Happy Birthday, Sully!

Dear Sullivan,

It was one year ago that you graced us with your presence after four nights of letting us know you were on your way.  It was one year ago that I experienced what real pain felt like and would realize after holding you in my arms those first moments that you were worth it.  Did you hear me?  You were worth it.  You still are. 

It was one year ago when I realized that somehow although I just met you it was like you'd been around forever.  It was one year ago when I realized that I was capable of loving more than I had ever imagined loving a little being that would poop on me.  I love the Lord.  Completely.  I love your father, unconditionally.  But you, you I love with a fierce, mama love.  I don't have to protect the Lord.  I don't have to protect your dad.  But you, you I am responsible for, to love and protect and train.  

It was one year ago that I began to understand better God's love for us.  Holding you, so little, so needing me, unable to do anything for me, made me realize that God's love for humanity has nothing to do with us and everything to do with Him.  It has nothing to do with what I bring to the table because in light of who God is, I don't really bring anything to the table.  In light of who God is, I'm a helpless baby.  But He loves fully, completely, fiercely.  

It was one year ago today that I realized it doesn't matter what you do or who you become- that I will always be your mama and I will always love you.  And it clicked again, that God loves us as a parent and He loves us in that way.

A lot has happened this year.  And a very wise friend told me that the days are long but the years are short.  That is the truth.  Sometimes I get through a Monday and feel like I've just walked through an entire week.  But waking you up on your birthday I realized how fast this year went.  How in 12 short months you have grown up before my very eyes.  

So, my sweet Sully, This is what I want to say to you:  That I love you.  I'm crazy about you, kid.  You make me laugh.  Your hugs, they are the BEST hugs.  And you have a smile that just lights up a room. You, my sweet boy, are a gift to me.  To our family.  God has done a work in my heart this year, He's refined me in ways I didn't see coming and I just don't think that it's a coincidence that the things He's done have been the year you've been in my life.  And I know the refining, though not always easy, will help me to be a better mom to you.  My heart is continually humbled when I think about getting to be your mom.  I love being your mom.  
And here's my dream for you:  That you would love God with every fiber of your being and that you would care more about what He thinks about you and what you're doing than anyone else.  And that you would love your family well.  That you would enjoy time with us and that you would know that family is a gift.  And I really want you to have an honest relationship with your dad and me.  I want to be the kind of mom where you can cut through the niceties and say it like it is because you know that I will keep walking with you.  I want you to take risks, make mistakes, and when you fail, I want you to learn and grow from them.  I want you to love well and be loved well.  I want you to grow up and be who God created you to be.  And I want you to take note from the godly men that God has put in your life- your dad, grandpa, uncle Todd and uncle Chad- lean on them, learn from them, be real with them. They love you and I can't think of a better group of men who will model for you what it means to love Jesus and to run after Him.

Happy Birthday, Sully.  Here's to many more!  

Love you (to pieces!),
your Mama