A friend of the family was over tonight and he mentioned that my posts are long. So, I'm keeping it short tonight. Also, I'm tired and this topic isn't one I really want to share. But it's a thing in my life and I'm getting real, so here goes...
Idolatry is the act of replacing God. Back in the days of the old testament there were idols made of gold and people bowed down to them instead of God. In fact, Moses was up on the mountain getting the ten commandments from God and his brother, a priest, was with God's people turning their gold into a calf for them to worship.
I don't have a golden calf that I bow down to. But I do have something that has replaced God in my life. In the hard moments, in the stressful moments, in the moments when life seems a bit too much and I want a way out instead of turning towards God and laying it all before Him I want to eat.
I hate that I just typed that for a lot of reasons. To be absolutely, completely, taking off all my masks and baring my heart honest, it's hard to type because I am overweight. Because I am self conscious about that. Because when I first stepped on a wii fit three years ago my little avatar girl plumped out and looked depressed. It's hard to type because as a kid I got picked on on the bus and as a teenager one boy, one time, said something really hurtful and no one really disagreed with him.
But, I realized today as I was praying about what to write and then praying about how I really wanted to write anything but this that this was what I needed to write. I am not ashamed of my weight or even the food I eat. Seven years ago God freed me from that. I know I am a work in progress and I am actively working towards a healthy lifestyle because I want to be able to keep up with my son when he finally starts to walk. Do I wish I was thinner? Yes. Do I hate my body? No. Do I know I need to treat it well and eat healthy and be active? Yes.
What breaks my heart and what I do feel ashamed of is that in the heat of a stressful moment my initial thought is, "I want to eat something yummy." It's that my gut reaction is to turn to food instead of the God of the universe. The One that knows me intimately and loves me beyond whatever I could think or imagine longs for me to lay my heart before Him, to seek Him, to converse with Him and I have chosen to withhold that from Him and replace Him with food. He is eternal. Food is temporary.
The mask is off and I'm feeling a little vulnerable so I am going to end here. I do want to reiterate why I am doing this 20 days of being real: because I do believe that life is about connecting. My hope isn't just that I would bare my soul and it would be done but that it would encourage you to connect with someone today. To be real. To live authentically. To know that even though we wear masks and think we might be unlovable that God sees right through them to our hearts and He loves us. He loves you.